Parent - Child Relationship

Am I a healthy parent if I don't want a relationship with my child?

This question, along with similar ones, has been a recurring topic in my practice. The intense feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame experienced by parents when they feel ambivalent about their children cannot be ignored. It's crucial to acknowledge that parenting is not only the most important job but also the most challenging one. Let me reiterate: parenting is undeniably the toughest and most significant responsibility in existence. When a parent admits to not wanting to be around their children or, worse, not desiring a relationship with them, the weight of shame, guilt, and societal stigma can be overwhelming. While considering what constitutes a healthy parent-child relationship, two key factors need to be kept in mind: age and level of independence.

If your child is not yet legally an adult (or is an adult but is legally and functionally dependent), it is crucial to prioritize building a healthy relationship, regardless of any ambivalent feelings or lack of desire for a connection. Your responsibility is to work on resolving your own family of origin trauma and any other barriers that hinder your ability to convey the five most important factors for raising a healthy child:

1) affirming their inherent worth

2) accepting their imperfections

3) valuing their wants and needs

4) validating their reality, and

5) allowing them to be spontaneous

Is it healthy for a parent not to want a relationship with their adult, independent child? In most cases no, it is not healthy. As you now have no authority to dictate their choices, such as where they live, who they spend time with, or their lifestyle decisions, they will likely do things with which you disagree. While your relationship evolves into a more mutual and reciprocal dynamic, you hold your position of influence and it remains crucial to emphasize the big 5 healthy factors.

Additionally, you should strive not to burden your child with your own problems and instead remain open and present, actively listening and supporting them. A good example of this situation is the metaphor of the prodigal son: the adult son leaves the family and squanders his wealth with gambling and prostitutes, eventually realizes the error of his ways, and seeks to return home. The father welcomes him back with open arms.

Lastly, let's discuss the rare situations where there has been severe abuse by the parents, leading the child to express a desire to sever the relationship. Is it healthy for those parents to desire a connection with their child? The answer, although complex and messy, is that until the parents have undertaken significant psychological work to repair themselves, a healthy relationship is not possible. However, it remains the responsibility of the parents to engage in personal growth and healing, striving to reach a point where they can begin the process of repairing the relationship when the child is ready.

As always, these thoughts are subject to change and growth. My perspective on this topic may evolve tomorrow, in a year, or even ten years from now. I welcome feedback and comments as we continue this ongoing conversation.