Attachment Theory and the Drama Triangle via Justin Bieber's "Stay" - #DHMH

By Justin Bieber and The Kid LAROI

Links: Youtube Music and Spotify

This wonderfully catchy song caught my attention years ago when it was released. Easy to digest, energizing, it was meme'd fairly quickly into brief dance clips, and went on to win a dozen or so awards, including a People's Choice Award. The songwriters --9 of them, if you can believe it-- crafted a tale of an individual's desperation for their lover to remain with them despite repetitive maladaptive behavior. For your enjoyment, here are the lyrics:

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey (oh)

I get drunk, wake up, I'm wasted still
I realize the time that I wasted here
I feel like you can't feel the way I feel
Oh, I'll be f- up if you can't be right here

Oh, ooh-woah (oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
Oh, ooh-woah (oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
Oh, ooh-woah (Oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
Oh, I'll be f- up if you can't be right here

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

When I'm away from you, I miss your touch (ooh)
You're the reason I believe in love
It's been difficult for me to trust (ooh)
And I'm afraid that I'ma f- it up
Ain't no way that I can leave you stranded
'Cause you ain't ever left me empty-handed
And you know that I know that I can't live without you
So, baby, stay

Oh, ooh-woah (oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
Oh, ooh-woah (oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
Oh, ooh-woah (oh, ooh-woah, ooh-woah)
I'll be f- up if you can't be right here

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

Woah-oh
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

There is a reason I chose this song first. It's delightful. It's simple. And, it practically screams the perils of insecure attachment via attachment theory. Modern Attachment theory is the product of psychiatrist John Bowlby's and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth's collaboration beginning in the late 1950s. The basic principle is this: in order for a child to develop emotionally and socially healthy, the child needs to feel secure with their primary caregiver. The primary caregiver is the first significant relationship for the child. Security is built as the child experiences their primary caregiver tending to their physical and emotional needs consistently and over time. What does a secure attachment look like? In addition to having physical needs (food, shelter, warmth), here are some examples of emotional needs: tending to the child when the child is both A) looking for their parent and B) looking for their parent's attention; protecting the child from things perceived as threatening; and when a threat exists, being present for the child to return to in order to feel safe.

When a child's relationship with their primary caregiver is laden with anxiety (e.g., Where is my parent?), preoccupation (e.g., Why is my parent not paying attention to me?), abuse (e.g., Why is my parent hurting me?), neglect (e.g., Why is my parent allowing me to be hurt?), and/or disorganization (e.g., Why does my parent say one thing but do another, sound happy but look angry, etc), the child is left feeling anxious, insecure, and/or disorganized. If the child consistently feels this way with their primary caregiver, this insecurity/disorganization will pervade the child's subsequent relationships, including their relationship with themselves.

With that established and in mind, let's jump into the beginning of "Stay," which is also the chorus:

I do the same thing I told you that I never would
I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could
I know that I can't find nobody else as good as you
I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey

With energy and enthusiasm, the singer proclaims their inability to both be trusted and repair the ruptures they create. A powerful drama triangle plays out: The singer puts themselves in a Perpetrator position (intentionally lying to manipulate the listener) before switching to the Victim position, praising and begging the listener to be with them, stay with them, and Rescue them. If the listener does not rescue them, the singer will likely place the listener into a Perpetrator position (e.g., "How could they abandon me! They must want me to suffer because they don't care about me!"). Looking more deeply at the mental state of the singer, one might ask, Who taught the singer to lie? Who told the singer they couldn't change? When the singer was a child, did the primary caregiver look at the singer and project all of their perfection and goodness into them, leaving them to believe they must be perfect in order to deserve love and feel value? Did the primary caregiver teach the singer to look to others to save themselves, as they looked at their child to save them? Must the child regulate the emotions for the primary caregiver? Perhaps not, but this is certainly how the singer is expecting the listener to behave.

Moving onto the first Stanza, one might immediately notice the dumpster fire of hedonism and more drama: "I get drunk, wake up, I'm wasted still / I realize the time that I wasted here / I feel like you can't feel the way I feel / Oh, I'll be f- up if you can't be right here!" The first line boasts entitlement (often what a victim feels as they move into perpetrator position) along with popular and tempting desire to indulge with, and dissociate from, problems via alcohol. The second line is a sobering spark of awareness mixed with the regret of lost time. The third and fourth line, weaved into the energetic, poppy beat, resemble a razor wrapped in bubble gum, dripping with insecure attachment. The singer describes feeling as though they exist in a relationship without empathy, and the first refrain, "I'll be f-d up if you can't be right here," is the dread and terror of a child feeling lost from their primary caregiver. Entirely appropriate in an infant, toddler, or young child who is building a secure attachment, for an adult, this is a loud and painful sign of insecurity.

Next, note the primal yearning in the second refrain: "Oh, ooh-woah..." This is repeated over and over, until the first refrain hits again: "I'll be f-d up if you can't be right here!" I recall seeing my own children wailing as they felt alone at night or when they were left the first time at daycare. Again, it is part of our development to experience this dread, this crisis. We must experience the loss in order to realize we are not omnipotent and that we can withstand loss and terror and that our loved ones will return. But, to the singer, there is only the dread of being abandoned.

The chorus repeats twice more before the only other stanza in the song is heard. As we go through these lines, remember how secure attachment is formed with our first significant other:

"When I'm away from you, I miss your touch," ...
"You're the reason I believe in love," ...
"It's been difficult for me to trust," ...
"And I'm afraid that I'ma f- it up."

These lines beautifully describe the inner world of the developing child: they miss their primary caregiver terribly; they learn how to love and trust through their relationship with their primary caregiver; and, of course, the child is fearful of disappointing their primary caregiver, of causing a rupture that cannot be repaired. Next, the singer briefly describes an enmeshed, transactional relationship of being present for their partner because their partner is present for them ("Ain't no way that I can leave you stranded / 'Cause you ain't ever left me empty-handed"). Lastly, with the final words of the stanza, the adult lyricist careens us back into the child's experience: "And you know that I know that I can't live without you/ so baby, stay."

The rest of the song repeats the chorus several times along with the primal yearning and refrain, "I'll be f-d up if you can't be right here."
For the record, a functional adult knows that while they may feel the sentiment of "I'll be f-d up if you can't be right here," that in reality this is . Again, it is developmentally appropriate for the child to feel this way as they are learning that they will be OK if their primary caregiver can't be "right here." The child needs a primary caregiver capable of both containing the child's terror by not immediately returning when the child experiences this dread AND returning to the child at the right time. If this sounds contradictory, or like an extremely difficult balance, good. It is. This delicate balance is part of the reason why parenting is the most difficult and most important and least appreciated job in human existence.

As I bring this to a close, let me be clear: I love "Stay". It's brilliantly catchy while simultaneously providing a unique lens into human psychology via Attachment Theory and the Drama Triangle. While my analysis may seem harsh, the intention of this essay is to drive the point home that primary relationships form our understanding and experience of subsequent relationships. Bieber's plea to "Stay" is a messy and beautiful expression of the human desire for secure emotional bonds, which we all need. I'm grateful for this song and look forward to continued listens, as I always need reminders that while the inner child in me appropriately feels terror and abandonment at times, my functional-adult self is fully capable of taking care of myself and my loved ones, and is not contingent on someone else tending to me.