Big 5 Mantras/Affirmations

There's the big 5 personality traits, the 5 core issues, and there's the big 5 mantras. My dear friend and colleague Brittany McGeehan, a psychotherapist in Frisco, introduced me to these awhile back when I was assisting her with a Family of Origin Trauma intensive. Family of Origin (FoO) refers to the first group of individuals we spent the majority of time with who taught us right from wrong; who informed the way we feel about ourselves, others, and our future; and who showed us how to deal with things every day. Most of the time this is our parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, etc. Trauma, as Pia Mellody defines it, is "anything that is less-than-nurturing" which can come in the form of abuse, neglect, abandonment, enmeshment, etc. Ms. Mellody describes 5 core issues that can result from less-than-nurturing behavior and relationships:

1. Self-Esteem Issues (We are the best/always right -or- We are bad and wrong)
2. Boundary Issues (We are raised without boundaries -or- with walls)
3. Reality Issues (Our humanity is invalidated, rendering us only good and/or bad)
4. Dependency Issues (If our wants/needs are shamed, we will become wantless/needless)
5. Moderation and Containment Issues (Given no limits -or- focused on being perfect)

To remedy the damage done from these core issues, we affirm the following:

1. We are Inherently Worthy
2. We are Perfectly imperfect
3. Our Reality is Valid
4. Our Wants and Needs Matter
5. We are allowed to be Spontaneous

Let's explore these affirmations more deeply.

We are Inherently Worthy: When someone is upset with us, or disagrees with us, our value as a human being is not diminished. We are not worth less. We are not less valuable. We turn statements like "I don't know if I am a good person because of X or Y or Z" into "I am Inherently Worthy."

We are Perfectly Imperfect: We are allowed to make mistakes. If I forget something at the store that my wife told me 5 times to get, I am still worthy of love and respect. If my son is making a tie-dyed shirt and spells the dye on the chair, he is still worthy of love and respect. "I made a mistake and should be punished" turns into "I am perfect imperfect."

Our Reality is Valid: Often our perspective won't align with someone else's. This is OK and healthy. Different perspectives give us deeper insights and allow us to evolve. But no one can tell us how we are feeling. No one can tell us we aren't feeling something we are feeling. Learning to listen to ourselves is crucial, for when we do, we know the answer to the question, "Who am I in this moment?" When we don't know who we are in the moment, and/or feel anxious because we're thinking of someone else's reality who may be different from ours, we are invalidating our reality. Thoughts like these turn into the mantra, "My Reality is Valid."

Our Wants and Needs Matter: Growing up we inevitably see how our wants and needs cause a burden for others. In fact, our survival depends on our Family of Origin's ability to care for us. So when our primary caregivers are short of time and energy and patience, our wants and needs may take a back seat. Over time, we learn to minimize our wants and needs or even forget them entirely. We may have thoughts such as, "I can't ask for X because it will upset my significant other." These thoughts turn into the mantra, "My Wants and Needs Matter."

We are allowed to be Spontaneous: Children are beautifully spontaneous, erupting in songs, dance, sharing their wants and needs, hopes and dreams, thoughts and observations. We all began this way. But, similar to our wants and needs, over time we my notice how our spontaneity burdens others. When this happens repeatedly over time, we grow fearful our spontaneity. Expressing wants and needs, sharing a different reality, speaking up or doing something that turns out to be wrong--all of these can trigger stinkin' thinkin' and set off the other core issues. Therefore, the mantra is, "I am allowed to be spontaneous."

In future posts I'll write about, and give clinical examples of, working more deeply with these affirmations and mantras in order to reparent our younger selves.