Overcoming the Sadistic Superego
Powerlessness. Helplessness. Defeat. "I can't."
These emotions take shape as we're learning to verbalize our frustrations as we observe and interact with the world. How our thoughts formed? How do we put words to these emotions? Well, we're most likely taught by our primary caregivers as we grow up.
Canadian Psychoanalyst Don Carveth, one of the great living legends of psychoanalytic psychology and psychotherapy, describes the sadistic superego as a harsh, punitive, and overly critical internal force that operates within the psyche. Unlike a healthy superego, which provides guidance and moral direction, the sadistic superego criticizes and shames constantly. It punishes an individual, leading to excessive feelings of guilt, self-loathing, and inferiority.
According to Carveth, this internal voice often stems from early childhood experiences, where external authority figures (like parents) may have been excessively strict or critical. Over time, these external judgments become internalized, turning into a relentless inner critic. The sadistic superego doesn’t allow for mistakes, self-compassion, or personal growth; instead, it keeps the person trapped in a cycle of self-punishment.
My own sadistic superego sounds like the following: what I'm creating isn't good enough; my spontaneity will hurt others and thus myself; my wants and needs are less important than those of others; my reality is less valid than others; etc.
Carveth suggests that demolishing the sadistic superego is possible, and involves developing a more balanced and forgiving internal voice, one that promotes self-understanding and growth rather than harsh judgment. Which sounds easy enough. Often, however, it is extremely difficult. Just as water carves through ground over time, encouraging more water to flow through the created channel, energy wants to flow through our body and mind in familiar, pre-existing channels. It takes time and a lot of hard work to redirect this energy. And it can be done.
Another metaphor: our parents and caregivers and teachers and coaches SHOW us what is important, how to avoid danger, how to remain safe. When they convey "Thou shalt not not do anything which I find disagreeable," they are in effect saying, "Put this stone here." When we are told, or shown, "Thou shalt prioritize other's realities over yours," they are in effect saying "Place this next stone here next to the first." Over decades, these instructions, these stones, build psychological Temples which we, and our littles, visit often and offer sacrifices to. Inner voice: "Should I speak up and tell my significant other that I don't like it when they speak to me this way?" Sadistic Superego: "No, bring that desire to the Temple of guilt and fear offer it as a sacrifice."
Demolishing these temples is possible. We can take them apart, stone by stone. But this exhausting work must be done in addition to the daily demands of life (work, kids, events, etc.). And it must be done in defiance of the sadistic superego, which will tell us things like "Change is impossible/Nothing good will come of this/You won't feel better/It will get worse."
Journaling has consistently proven to be one of the best tools for a myriad of issues. Writing down our thoughts, unfiltered, shows us what our sadistic superego is telling us and how often it is active. The more we notice it, the more we are invited to provide gentle redirects. For example, "Why am I so worthless," becomes fertilizer for "I can contribute something important, even in small ways." Psychotherapy and Community groups with like-minded people engaged in similar tasks also can make a big difference.
Things can get better. You can live more authentically, and with less shame and fear. All it takes is time, energy, and your most valuable possession: Yourself.